Perception, Perspective, Point of View, Frame of Reference, Mindset, etc.

As I continue working with couples, parents and children, families, etc., it is becoming very clear that perspective can be a major point of distress.  In couples counseling, a number one issue I continue to notice, is one partner not understanding the other's point of view and assuming that their own understanding is the true and correct answer.  This leads to conflict, and one person feeling defensive, because they are being told that they are wrong, and that their point of view is inaccurate, invalid, unimportant, etc.  This same dynamic can be seen within families.  For example, a child is trying to explain why they unloaded the dishwasher in a different way than their parent prefers, and the parent discounts the child's views, automatically telling them they are wrong.  This leaves the child feeling defensive, confused, invalidated, and unheard.  

So how do we work to improve this disconnect in perspective?  One exercise I use often in therapy, is  reflecting, or having individuals listen carefully and then repeat back what the other person stated. This exercise can be helpful in learning to FULLY listen and hear the other person's thoughts.  This is also useful in clearing up discrepancies, and ensuring that the message is being communicated clearly.  Another helpful technique is validating, in which, the feelings and opinions of each party are acknowledged.  This does not mean that one is agreeing with the other person's point of view, it is just a matter of letting them know that you understand what they are saying, and why they may feel that way, whether you agree with it or not. 

For example: 

Lily: (Ventilating her concerns) I am so mad at the way my boss treated me today.  I feel like I should go up there and just quit my job on the spot, no matter what.  Even if we are having financial difficulties, I will find something else.... 

Example of Two Ways to Respond to Lily: 

John: (Focusing on his thoughts and feelings, no validation) I can't believe that you would consider quitting your job, your boss can't be that bad?! You are being so emotional and acting crazy.. Calm down! 

John: (Validating and reflecting Lily's concerns) I understand that you are upset and frustrated with your boss.  I also hear that you are so frustrated, that you want to quit your job.  

So after reading both responses I wonder which would leave Lily feeling understand and heard, vs. feeling invalidated, defensive, and upset.  One of these responses would be likely to start an argument, whereas, the other would hopefully produce a meaningful discussion. 

With all of that said, it is highly important to think about how we communicate with others.  It is essential to keep an open mind, and work to understand where others are coming from. As the image above states, we are only responsible for how we respond and what we say, so consider how you interact with friends, family and loved ones.  Remember that everyone has an opinion, everyone sees the world in a different way, and if we can learn to accept and embrace that, we can prevent a lot of unnecessary arguments and disagreements, creating happier and healthier relationships.  

If you would like to set up an appointment to explore these concerns further, please contact our office at 919-249-5423.

-Lauren